Every tool brand has a fanbase, and every fanbase has a guy you can picture instantly — the Milwaukee guy who calls his batteries an "investment," the Ryobi homeowner who bought one weed whacker and woke up in a 47-tool ecosystem, the Snap-on guy making $85K and owing $120K on the truck. Today we're not ranking the tools — we're ranking the people who worship them. We draft the stereotypes, put each other on trial for our own brand sins, and then tier every fanbase from S to F. Somebody at this table is about to find out their whole personality is a marketing campaign.

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