Ellie and I return with semi-regular feature spammer time. There’s the clockwork-regular contribution from star pupil Olivia. Tales of door-based debacles and rude awakenings involving guns, explosions, sirens, and a duck. Plus paranormal experiences involving kids and a cat. I narrowly avoid being punched, and I inadvertently cause chaos in a swimming pool and get myself into hot water with some peeved parents. And of course it’s the reveal of our boundary-pushing mystery sound contest.

This week, I have an odd experience at a urinal. I blind a computer programmer. Ellie has a medical mishap. There’s a poem from the perspective of a piece of chewing gum. We take a walk in the park where we chat about my meeting with Jason Donovan, plus there’s more goose news, and we meet an arse-scratching squirrel; you’ll have to listen to discover if the squirrel is scratching its own arse, or the backside of me or Ellie. We’ve been looking after our ten-year-old nephew this weekend and it’s certainly been eventful. We have our first listener complaint and I enlist the services of Frank Skinner to defend my honour. Our street becomes embroiled in a bin-based drama. Plus, in yet another example of paradigm shifting podcasting, there’s a mystery sound competition. And more chat about Vegetables, Biscuits, Birds And Le Creuset.

Chapters:

(00:00:00) Coming Up, Plus Some Toilet Humour

(00:01:58) The Bastard Thing’s Crashed!

(00:20:48) William The Conqueror And The NHS Phone Service

(00:30:51) From Booing To Chewing

(00:34:57) Featuring Jason Donovan, Some Goose News, And An Arse-scratching Squirrel

(00:50:07) Listener Complaint

(01:04:52) Weird Woman At Gig

(01:09:01) Mystery Sound Competition And Some Street Drama

(01:23:18) More Chat About Vegetables, Biscuits, Birds And Le Creuset

Ellie’s fame is on the rise, and she receives a potential new career opportunity. I am surprised to find myself doing a stand up gig in a sex club, which was a very weird experience indeed. This week’s games involve guessing vegetables, identifying birds, and more biscuit-based fun. Ellie has an encounter with another blind man. A trip to the barbers gets unexpectedly political and also sexual. I’ve got some gossip involving Jasper Carrott and Iron Maiden, and there’s another surprise song in the park.

(00:00:00) - The Intro Bit

(00:02:37) - Ellie’s Fifteen Seconds Of Fame

(00:09:43) - I Find Myself Performing In A Sex Club

(00:26:22) - Guess The Vegetable

(00:31:06) - Ellie’s Tram Drama

(00:33:33) - Brazen Barber Banter

(00:54:40) - Jasper Carrott, Iron Maiden, Le Creuset And Sonic The Hedgehog

(01:12:42) - Professional Window Doodler

Ellie sees an odd and intriguing tattoo. I experience a footwear farce. I get accidentally insulted by an enthusiastic audience member. Ellie has more shelf news. I attempt to create a dance hit by sampling the radio. My recent stand up gig takes a very unexpected turn. We hear once again from the Nottingham swingers, and one of our regulars, Olivia, is back, and she’s got thoughts and a challenge.

Warning: Contains Pelvic Thrusting.

Chapters:

(00:00:00) – The Bit where I Tell You what’s Coming Up

(00:01:42) - Footwear Farce, Tattoo Talk and More Shelf News

(00:16:15) - A Silly Song, a Wee Chat and a Walk

(00:22:50) - Weaponised Blind Kids

(00:26:58) - Home Taping Is Making Music

(00:30:47) - I Am Alan! Custodian of the Light!

(00:42:38) - Swingers Revisited and Olivia’s Challenge

(01:01:01) - Amazing Feet

A comedy gig is derailed by a soap opera style scandal. My park walk this week takes an unexpected turn, as I come into contact with some errant drama students. I sing a song about a sexually frisky dog, and take you on a dramatic London adventure, involving a flirtatious train traveller and an incident at the National Portrait Gallery. Ellie celebrates International Women’s Day with some feminist-themed book recommendations. There’s another example of a technological regression masquerading as technological progression. I inadvertently insult a divorcee and confuse an audience with a non sequitur about apple crumble. Find out what Ellie’s been doing to cause her thighs to ache, and how I’ve been keeping Ellie’s mother-in-law up at night. Plus we revisit our feature Ellie skinner’s ON The Shelf, and play a variety of surprise games.

If you'd like to see the video of me being humped by a dog, you can find it here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnJWxV4gFxQ&t=17s

I get rather lost in a park, where I commentate on a tennis match and have a Whitney Houston-based encounter. We have stand-up clips from Bradford and Doncaster. We’re in London, listening in to conversations between sweary students and argumentative pensioners. There’s a new feature, Ellie Skinner’s On the Shelf, and the return of the catchily named Technological Regression Masquerading As Technological Progression. And yet another guide dog story.

CHAPTERS:

(00:00:00) - Innuendo, Electrodes, and George Ezra

(00:04:48) - In the Park, Talking to My Nipples

(00:26:28) - In Bradford With an Antisocial Woman

(00:35:22) - In London With Sweary Students and Argumentative Pensioners

(00:40:39) - In Doncaster With an Arrogant and Incompetent Comedian

(00:58:10) - Ellie Skinner’s On the Shelf

(01:03:25) - Technological Regression Masquerading as Technological Progression: I Wanna Take You to the Game Bar

(01:09:04) - The Guide Dog and the Plumber

We scientifically validate whether Ellie was happier on her wedding day or on her trip to Ramsay Street in our feature Neighbours or Nuptials. It’s the return of Cassette Roulette, where I make a rather shocking and harrowing find. Ellie teaches me a new activity in the bedroom and tells us about the time she was a stripper. I head to Bath, where I follow Nigel Farage. We go on another crime-solving walk and experience a near miss at the hands of some Hillsborough hoodlums. There’s another guide-dog story, and I get an unexpected house call.

CHAPTERS:

(00:00:00) - It’s Tosh Time!

(00:03:12) - Neighbours or Nuptials

(00:14:19) - Bizarre Bottle-Based Behaviour in Bath

(00:24:33) - Another Guide-Dog Story While Washing the Dishes

(00:30:50) - Ellie Was a Stripper and a Song About a Chicken

(00:37:00) - Please Forgive Me Daddy, I’ve Been a Bad Boy (00:54:42) - Cassette Roulette and Tangents About UK Garage, Dentists, and Bread Makers

(01:16:20) - Spicy Spells and Religious Rounds

We are approached by the daughter of a dictator in Spammer Time. Join me in the bath for an explosive experience, and I conduct an experiment involving cold water and Vera Lynn. I’ve been back on the dark web to unearth some lost musical treasures, and this time it’s an unheard gem from Guns N. Roses. We go for a walk to try and thwart a murder. There’s a couple of stories about guide dogs, and we read a few of your comments and listen to some rather weird phone messages.

CHAPTERS:

(00:00:00) - It Started With a Blow

(00:04:52) - Spammer Time: The Dictator’s Daughter

(00:10:15) - In the Bath With Guns N. Roses and Vera Lynn

(00:26:47) - Guide Dog Stories

(00:31:08) - Guns N. Roses: Welcome to the Bathtub

(00:36:33) - Shakespeare in the Kitchen

(00:47:34) - The Walking Detective

(01:01:06) - Tonsils, Teeth, and Tossing