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In this episode, let's say it all in poetry.

My Brain And Heart Divorced – John Roedel

My brain and heart divorced a decade ago over who was to blame about how big of a mess I have become

eventually, they couldn’t be in the same room with each other

now my head and heart share custody of me

I stay with my brain during the week

and my heart gets me on weekends

they never speak to one another

– instead, they give me the same note to pass to each other every week

and their notes they send to one another always says the same thing:

“This is all your fault”

on Sundays my heart complains about how my head has let me down
in the past

and on Wednesday my head lists all of the times my heart has screwed things up for me in the future

they blame each other for the state of my life

there’s been a lot of yelling – and crying so,

lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my gut

who serves as my unofficial therapist

most nights, I sneak out of the window in my ribcage

and slide down my spine and collapse on my gut’s plush leather chair
that’s always open for me

~ and I just sit sit sit sit until the sun comes up

last evening, my gut asked me if I was having a hard time being caught between my heart and my head

I nodded

I said I didn’t know if I could live with either of them anymore

“my heart is always sad about something that happened yesterday
while my head is always worried about something that may happen tomorrow,”

I lamented

my gut squeezed my hand

“I just can’t live with my mistakes of the past or my anxiety about the future,”
I sighed

my gut smiled and said:

“in that case, you should go stay with your lungs for a while,”

I was confused
– the look on my face gave it away

“if you are exhausted about your heart’s obsession with the fixed past and your mind’s focus on the uncertain future

your lungs are the perfect place for you

there is no yesterday in your lungs there is no tomorrow there either

there is only now
there is only inhale
there is only exhale
there is only this moment

there is only breath

and in that breath you can rest while your heart and head work
their relationship out.”

this morning, while my brain was busy reading tea leaves

and while my heart was staring
at old photographs

I packed a little bag and walked to the door of
my lungs

before I could even knock she opened the door with a smile and as
a gust of air embraced me she said

“what took you so long?”

~ John Roedel

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"It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem." — G.K. Chesterton.

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"To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it." — G.K. Chesterton

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"It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem." — G.K. Chesterton

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"Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility" — Dietrich Bonhoeffer

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“It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arranged

The only difficulty was, that she had not the smallest idea how to set about it....” (Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll)

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communica

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Many people think that pornography consumption is harmless. Therefore, a bit of porn from type to time is healthy and indeed, beneficial - isn't? It just spices things up and adds novelty. You can become addicted from such infrequent use?

That isn't what a little bit of 'porn now and then' - during Covid-19 lock down, has proven. Porn viewing and porn addiction went up exponentially during lock down. The problem is that porn is not about porn; sex is not about sex; love addiction is not about finding love.

The behaviours activate the reward centres; the feel good emotions; escape (for a moment) from life stuff. The brain likes the sensations. Registers them and the next time you want to feel good or escape life's stuff, the brain will remind you how you did it the last time.

Some will succumb. Some will not. re you sure you will not?

MRI Scans have demonstrated the potency of the generated Dopamine, Serotonin and Oxytocin mix effect on the brain - as a similar impact to illegal drugs.

Studies have proven that regular consumption can have a negative impact on the brain. Prolonged exposure can alter brain structures, brain functioning and therefore, behaviour patterns. (A Recovery Programme is all about rewiring the brain).

Frequency of use, existing or prior mental health conditions, age of exposure and the type of pornographic content, are important factors. Porn impacts a developing brain differently than a mature brain. Such matters as violent porn are factors that does a different type of impact. Changes in the reward centre, cognitive functioning and emotional regulation are key areas of interest in neuropsychology.

The Pleasure and Reward Centre: The brain’s primary reward neurotransmitter is Dopamine and it is released during pleasure activities whenever you experience pleasure. Repeated release of dopamine over time, alters the reward centre of the brain. You will find that over time, you desire more stimulus to achieve the same result. Regular use of porn causes highs and lows and the brain starts to create new patterns that drive a person to continue watching porn. It remembers the reward.

Cognitive Function: Individuals who suffer from compulsive use of porn, often struggle with cognitive functioning. There may be impaired decision-making, but they do not know it. For example, going after the immediate short-term gain, despite the much bigger potential consequences which is all so apparent and a seemingly illogical decision to take such risks. There may be cognitive blind spots where you cannot so readily disurn the negative consequences of the behaviour; instead, going for immediate gratification - rather than delayed gratification; even trashing own personal values, moral codes and ethics.

Emotional Regulation: The difficulty regulating emotions will show up in constantly reaching out for the quick fix of porn viewing, Sex or Love Addiction behaviours, to regular emotions; thereby, reinforcing the well grooved out neural pathway pairing which has taken place. Remember that the Frontal/Pre-cortex/logical reasoning decision-making part of the brain has gone offline during the 'Acting out'. Major bridge-burning decisions are being taken in the Limbic area of the brain. 'I feel, so I do'. When the behaviours are brought to an end and the Pre-Cortex comes back online - hearing you ask it the question - "What a waste of time. Why did I just do that?". It's reply will be - "Why are you asking us. We were offline at the time!"

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conf

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The antidote to Narcissism is Empathy. (Sympathy and Empathy are very different). Narcissism and Empathy cannot co-exist at high levels together in the same person. (Both cannot be seen being used at high levels in the same person).

There will always be a high level of one and a low level of the other. Make sure Empathy is the one that is practised at a high level, in how you do life. (You will need some help to do change to achieve it!)

This second definition of NARCISSISM which I use is rather academic and wordy, but it works for some clients:

"Narcissism is a psychological disorder associated with grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy. Narcissistic traits tend to run on a continuum. A higher psychologically functioning narcissist is often successful and charming but may have intimacy problems in relationships. A person who has a more severe form of narcissism may appear nearly delusional with their grandiosity and may act out destructively when they feel criticized. Narcissistic behavior involves much idealization and devaluation. Characteristics involve grandiosity, entitlement, lack of empathy, idealization of self and devaluation of others.

Narcissistic damage occurs when a child's vulnerable and developing core sense of self is not seen and reflected back by the adults around him/her. Each child is born a unique individual with special gifts and personal challenges, multi-layered and both simple and complex. For any one layer to develop, that part of the child needs to be seen, heard, understood and valued. Parents have to be present to be mirrors—to bear witness and reflect back. Healthy, grounded parents help young people build a frame of reference for living.

When a parent's own woundedness and unmet needs override their ability to be present to a child or a parent's undeveloped parts of self render them unable to respond to a child's vulnerable and authentic needs, the child's core sense of self can be lost, fragmented or undeveloped. The loss, fragmentation and lack of development of the core sense of self is the root of the narcissistic wound. Raw, broken, undeveloped and lost, we enter a cold cruel world ill-equipped to relate, define fulfilment from the inside out and connect with the spirit of life.

When our primal wiring meets the world we live in today characterized by disconnection at personal, family and social levels, we experience a helplessness and aloneness that is beyond what we are biologically prepared to embrace. Narcissistic wounding is sometimes referred to as the emptiness wound".

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Episode keywords: Couples Therapy,Relationship Advice,Building Healthy Relationships,Communication,Conflict Resolution,Intimacy and Connection,Relationship Coaching,Navigating Relationship Challenges,Love and Commitment,Couples Counseling,Conflict Resolution,Couples Conflict,Relationship Disagreements,Healthy Communication in Relationships,Partnership Dynamics,Resolving Relationship Issues,Emotional Intelligence in Conflict,Building Trust,Effective Communication,Sex help,Sex not working,Sex Therapy,Psychosexual help,Empowerment,Healing Journeys,Personal Growth,Addiction in Relationship,Infidelity Online Therapy,The Kairos Centre Peer Pressure,Separation,Divorce,Fear,Anxiety,Stress,Mental Health and Addiction, Anger,Husband has porn,EMDR,